Interviews with the RED Mercanaries on the Identity of the Pyro
by Caffeinated Spider
Summary: These are some short bits of dialogue I've made in my free time while trying to practice for an upcoming crossover fic. This isn't meant to be serious; just some simple fun. By the way, for the few who can't put two and two together, CS is supposed to be me. Anyways, enjoy!
1. Interview with the Scout

**_CS:_** Let's start with something simple. Tell me about your-

 ** _Scout:_** Uh, no. Look moron. I don't know if you're a cop, some BLU Spy, or any other kind of freak. I ain't givin' you any in-fa-mation 'bout me, Got that?

 ** _CS:_** I understand completely, Scout, but I wasn't asking about you. This is about your ally, the Pyro.

 _ **Scout:**_ Oh... Well alright yeah. I can do that.

 ** _CS:_** Well, tell me about your first impressions of Pyro.

 ** _Scout:_** My first job? Well when I first joined this team, almost everyone called me "little man", "boy", or "baby". I remember Demo calling me a "pint-sized mutt" once, just before that crazed doctor called me into his lab of an office. After that I-

 ** _CS:_** Scout, I'm asking you about Pyro.

 ** _Scout:_** Yeah, yeah, I got it. Just hold ya freakin' horses. When Medic was done taking his stupid bird out of my gut, I saw Pyro sittin' in a chair. He was readin' some magazine while flickin' a lighter on and off. He didn't look at me. I didn't look at him. Medic called him in and he stood up and walked by me. He sounded like freakin' Vader breathin' through that gas mask of his.

 ** _CS:_** Putting it simply, you don't really have much a connection to Pyro.

 _ **Scout:**_ Yeah. I'm too busy being fast and furious. Wanna hear more about me?

 ** _CS:_** Thanks, but I'm afraid you've wasted enough of my time as it is.

 _ **Scout:**_ Come back when you want a real good story!


	2. Interview with the Soldier

_**Soldier:**_ "When rockets, bombs, and bullets won't work, cry 'Havoc' and let slip the dogs of fire,". Sun Tzu said that.

 _ **CS:**_ ...Ok... Anyway, Soldier, do you remember what your initial thoughts were when Pyro joined your squadron?

 _ **Soldier:**_ During the early fights of the Great Gravel Wars, it was only me, Heavy and Engi. I called that yelling lady, demanding more American troops; what I

 _ **CS:**_ You don't think Pyro is from the United States?

 _ **Soldier:**_ OF COURSE SHE'S NOT! No self respecting patriot would need to wear a gas mask at all times. A true soldier would show his blood-stained, battle scarred face off to the world, to show his enemies just how much they have to fear. They are not scarred of mumbling maggots. AND I SHOULD KNOW!

 _ **CS:**_ You conducted a survey with the BLU Mercs?

 _ **Soldier:**_ No. I sent them a letter telling them not to attack my control point. They replied with a drawing of Pyro's mask drawn in blood.

 _ **CS:**_ I...don't know what that signifies, but I'll take your word for it.

 _ **Soldier:**_ I also think that Pyro is not even a man!

 _ **CS:**_ You think Pyro is a woman?

 _ **Soldier:**_ She giggles, maggot. No man worth his testicles would giggle on my battlefield.

 _ **CS:**_ O...k...

 _ **Soldier:**_ But if I am being honest in this interview. Pyro is a good soldier. She follows my orders without hesitation and laughs at the face of danger. She is the only maggot I never have to yell at for failure. So despite her...flaws...I am proud to have Pyro on my team.

 _ **CS:**_ Wow, Soldier. Never pegged you for the inspirational sort.

 _ **Soldier:**_ I have read War and Peace.

 _ **CS:**_ You read anything with the word "war" in it, don't you?

 _ **Soldier:**_ Affirmative.


	3. Interview with the Demoman

_**Demo:**_ HE'S A DEVIL! A BLOODY DEMON SENT FROM THE LOWEST CIRCLES OF HELL TO STEAL OUR SOULS! NO ONE BELIEVES ME, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH!

 _ **CS:**_ Alright. Tell me, Demo, what is your reasoning for concluding that Pyro is a spawn of Satan?

 _ **Demo:**_ He wields an unholy abomination that can control the bloody elements around him! And when he lights his victims ablaze, he cackles in a demonic tongue known only to his kin that dwell in purgatory.

 _ **CS:**_ Ah, yes. Well you see, his "abomination" is actually called a Flame Thrower. It appears to be homemade, but not forged by the weapon smiths of Hell. And his "cackles" are his mumbled words.

 _ **Demo:**_ THAT IS A BLOODY LIE! You may not have seen that many demons in your time, lad, but I have, and Pyro, is one of the worst I've ever seen.

 _ **CS:**_ Do elaborate, if you'd please.

 _ **Demo:**_ *takes a swig of his Scrumpy bottle* Ahhh. So...when I first met that...mumblin' menace, I was laying a trap of bombs near our cart. He did nothin' the entire time. Standin' there, starin' off into the wild blue yonder. But when the mission began, he changed. He ran ahead of everyone and with a swish of his "Flame Thrower", he had scorched the entire opposition to ash. He then laughed as the cinders blew off into the wind.

 _ **CS:**_ Well still, that doesn't qualify him of being a demon.

 _ **Demo:**_ Ohhh...Think you so cleva do ya boyo? Think you're so smart because you have two eyeballs bouncin' in ya head?! WELL LETS SEE HOW SMART YA ARE WITH A BOMB SHOVED RIGHT UP YA BLOODY-*passes out*

 _ **CS:**_ The things I do out of curiosity...


	4. Interview with the Heavy

_**CS:**_ I read the manuscript of one of your earlier interviews. It said that you were frightened by, and I quote, "that thing,".

 _ **Heavy:**_ Heavy did say this, but is taken out of context.

 _ **CS:**_ It is?

 _ **Heavy:**_ Yes. Let me clarify. Baby is not scared of heights; baby is scared of fall. Coward is not scared of night; coward is scared of what's in the night. Heavy is not scared of Pyro; Heavy is scared of what Pyro does.

 _ **CS:**_ In your words, what does Pyro do?

 _ **Heavy:**_ Imagine this. You are in battle. You are winning. You are unstoppable. Then, you feel heat. Fire covers entire body, charring skin and burning clothes. You scream in pain, begging for help. But allies are now black corpses on floor. And last thing you hear before ears melt off of head, is a sickening laugh that penetrates very soul.

 _ **CS:**_ ...The way you speak about him, it sounds like you view Pyro as an enemy.

 _ **Heavy:**_ At times, yes. But most other times, I pay him no mind. I charge forwards with Medic, and Pyro does whatever he wants. He will burn his cowards, I will shoot mine; Pyro won't bother Heavy, so Heavy won't bother Pyro.

 _ **CS:**_ So you fear Pyro, but still hold respect for him not to get in his way.

 _ **Heavy:**_ Da.

 _ **CS:**_ Well that doesn't answer my question, but I guess that helps.

 _ **Heavy:**_ Would you like sandvich?

 _ **CS:**_ Oh yes. Thank you.


	5. Interview with the Engineer

_**Engi:**_ Pyro, huh? Well now, I can't tell ya much, since almost nobody can, but I sure as hell can tell you more than the average man.

 _ **CS:**_ Thank you, Engineer. I-

 _ **Engi:**_ Please, you can call me Dell.

 _ **CS:**_ Alright. Dell, what is your take on the identity of Pyro?

 _ **Engi:**_ Believe it or not, but I've seen men like Pyro before.

 _ **CS:**_ Really?

 _ **Engi:**_ Heck yeah. Workin' in the Texas oilfields fer' ten years will teach a man a thing or two. Now there are two kinds of folks in the world; the people who work with others, and the people who roam alone. Pyro is in the latter.

 _ **CS:**_ You say Pyro likes being a loner.

 _ **Engi:**_ While I'm tendin' to my sentries, I rarely see Pyro move with the other guys. He's always ahead or behind them. And sometimes, he'll even move back to behind the allied lines. Now other folks who are more concerned about kill counts would call him a yella' bellied coward, but I know better. He's hunttin' Spies.

 _ **CS:**_ Makes sense. Spies often tend to work behind the scenes.

 _ **Engi:**_ His overgrown blow torch also seemed to be like a Spy repellent. Even our own Spy avoids him when possible.

 _ **CS:**_ Do you help him?

 _ **Engi:**_ Heck yeah. I help him find those backstabbin' snakes-in-the-grass and he keeps my buildings safe from sappers.

 _ **CS:**_ Interesting. Sounds like Pyro actually helps his teammates.

 _ **Engi:**_ Yup, and anybody who tells you otherwise is lying like bloodhound.


	6. Interview with the Medic

_**CS:**_ Medic, you are in charge of keeping your allies in one piece and healing their wounds at the speed of sound. Do you have any insight on Pyro's identity?

 _ **Medic:**_ Ah... Ze Pyro. One of my most interesting patients. Oh how vould I love rip off his mask and see vat secrets he holds onto...

 _ **CS:**_ Ok...then.

 _ **Medic:**_ But alas, I don't see Pyro mien office zat often. And even zen, the only time ever came close to uncovering him, it vas during his Über-transplant.

 _ **CS:**_ Heavy told me about the process; he said that it involves you opening up the patient's chest and placing a metal pace maker on top of their heart.

 _ **Medic:**_ Zat is correct. Ven I was operating on Pyro, I had to open up his chest. Vat I saw truly...interesting. His lungs vere encased in a schwärze covering. It looked like ashes and cinders all melted into a lung shape.

 _ **CS:**_ Were you able to see his face?

 _ **Medic:**_ Nein. He vas awake during the procedure. I never sedate my patients.

 _ **CS:**_... Anyhow, have you ever partnered with Pyro in a battle?

 _ **Medic:**_ Ja. During one of our 2fort raids, Heavy was busy defending our paperz, so I vas following Pyro into the bauch der bestie. We came across a sentry near ze Intelligence Room. I vas about to activate my Charge, ven Pyro turned and vent down another corridor. I followed him and zat hallway led us right behind ze sentry, vere ve destroyed it with ease.

 _ **CS:**_ So Pyro is not just a reckless berserker; he actually knows strategy and planning.

 _ **Medic:**_ It vould appear so.


	7. Interview with the Sniper

_**Sniper:**_ You'll see a lot of things when you're snipin', mate. I've seen Heavy have a picnic behind enemy lines while Demo was taking a swig of scotch from behind Engi's dispenser. Pyro is among the things I see.

 _ **CS:**_ What is he normally doing?

 _ **Sniper:**_ Ahh well, the mute little bugger is either gushin' flames at a mongrel or playin' with some poor decapitated piker's head.

 _ **CS:**_ Does that ever strike you as creepy...or at least odd?

 _ **Sniper:**_ Not really. I'm an assassin; I'm a trained professional who shouldn't connect jobs with personal feelin's. Yeah what Pyro does may seem a bit weird to your average bloke, but to me, actually, I respect him.

 _ **CS:**_ Explain.

 _ **Sniper:**_ He and I are a lot like, mate. He deals massive damage on a wide scale, while I deal precision damage on specific targets. He could just as easily scream his bloody head off and go spewin' flames all wily like, but he's calculated with his fire. He knows just who burn and where to be. He's like a front-line Sniper.

 _ **CS:**_ Interesting. So, Sniper, what do you think Pyro is underneath that mask?

 _ **Sniper:**_ What kind of bloody question is that? I think he's just your average merc whose just looking for some money. Simple as that. I'm not really the biggest fan of all of these crazy theories on his identity. And even if he was a monster, a woman, or some weird demon spawn, I'd still work with him. He has skill. And skill is what separates my mates from my targets.

 _ **CS:**_ Well said.


	8. Interview with the Spy

_**CS:**_ As a master of espionage and stealth, you seem like the kind of guy who would pride himself on knowing how people function and how to predict their movements.

 _ **Spy:**_ Naturally.

 _ **CS:**_ So what is your analysis on Pyro?

 _ **Spy:**_ Pyro is...an interesting individual, to say the least. His actions are ever quite consistent to what personality can be inferred from him. He likely suffers from some form of chronic distress or pain.

 _ **CS:**_ A psychological issue?

 _ **Spy:**_ His actions are likely derived from a combination of pyromania and schizophrenia. The result is a mind of cruelty and inhuman thoughts.

 _ **CS:**_ That could definitely explain a lot of things. What are you actions toward him when in battle?

 _ **Spy:**_ As a stealth operative, I try to avoid conspicuous situations. So I avoid most of my allies in order to fool my other "allies". Pyro's fire also does not connect well with my cloaks and disguises.

 _ **CS:**_ Seems reasonable.

 _ **Spy:**_ Now if you don't mind, I have the go hide a dead body, and I don't feel like killing you right now.

 _ **CS:**_ O...k... I'll be going now.


End file.
